Day 13

It fucking hurts.......... at the same time, and I don't know if I'm delusional, I still hold on to my hope we'll be fine and at some point back together (regardless of the legal title).
I don't know if that's healthy, or instead prevents me from progressing.

Separately, it's hard to focus on work.... anytime I need a moment to intently focus on something, pain creeps in, and with it the urge to distract myself and read the news/youtube/facebook feed. I need to slow down.... embrace the suck, and keep on with the work.

Day 12

 A small lesson I can take is that after the disagreement in Church, which was the D-day, I proceeded to email a short recount of event to our therapist, suggesting to discuss it on Monday. That request for help was matter-of-fact, and heavily misperceived as potentially mocking their feeling, and further contributed to aggravate the situation, which precipitated.

Based on that, I should learn from it: Don't push things. Suck it up, wait. Sometimes you can only choose between a shitty situation, and a total shitstorm; in those cases, often if you try to force things to go faster because you're in pain and want them to finish ASAP, you are likely to cause the shitstorm. Be patient, suck it up, and control what you are in control, and accept that it's actually very little.

Realization at the traffic light: task-related conflict as a misguided tool to deflect attention from inner pain. The more I have issues, the more I might seek diversion. Oh, that has happened quite some, in recent times.

Today's homily: reminder that failure is not the end; the continues. So stop arguing about the past, and build the future that's in front of us.

Day 5

 Sunday church.

A pleasant day, running, park walk, burrito, and some actually nice conversations...

Sometimes I almost forget the deep crap I'm in. I need to remember not to "overstay" my welcome, when invited into a conversation.

Speak only when you have something good to offer.

If asking for help, explain what you did and what you think the best option is.

Pray for us...

Good night.

Journaling, day 3 (skipped day 2).

 Journaling, day 3 (skipped day 2).

This is a mess. 

But hopefully with some light at the end. It does feel like she might ease up, at some point.

I've sent her the CL rooms I could check in the hood - no reply though.

Wed evening with friends (Auntie T and Uncle R) was nice.... except for her awkward joke "D-ee to be".

Therapy started. 2x week. Soooo much work. Which is good.

TBC...

Journaling, Day 1

Intervention by the boys yesterday.

My emotional pool is dry - hard to feel much. Intellect is alright. Massive action needed.

Restarted therapy today. 2x/week from next week. Plus once a week work coaching (plus the psychiatrist for meds). Today's therapist does seem to believe there's (some) hope for me to change. Keep me in your prayers y'all, please. And call me out on my BS (including on this message, if so).

A ton of work coming up.

10 min meditation in the morning, highly necessary.

Maybe EQ coaching certification?

Talk later.

Time to get back to Milan (at least for Xmas....)

Soooooo

"Osito!

Te he guarreado un poco el pen para que se vea que existo y dejo huella! hahahah!!!

Bueno me tengo que poner a trabajar ;)

Un beso gorrdo!!!

PS: es genial! estoy guardando un montón de cosas tuyas en mi casa! tu camiseta, tus cascos... heheheh...pero tu no te quejes que me debes la sudadera!"

Questo é quanto mi ha scritto l'altro giorno, lasciandomelo nel mio pendrive.... :P
Watashi-wa no Tama-chan! :D

Fatto il back-up del disco fisso da portare con me a Milano... ancora da fare la valigia (porca merda, come avrei detto un po' di tempo fa....) - e adesso vaffanculo a tutto, dormo una ora e mezzo, giusto in tempo di svegliarmi con l'ansia di finire tutto e dimenticare qualcosa, come mio solito! XD

Bella storiaaaaaa! :D :D :D - A rivedere un po' di facciette da culetto in quel della grande prugna... (come disse Enzo Iacchetti!) -- A presto, bimbi belli! qw1 -- Fra

capodanno si avvicina....

Ecco, dopo una chiamata a mammina per il suo cumple (ti voglio bene mammina!, grazie che ti sei ricordata di chiamarmi per l'onomastico! qw1 ), continua la ricerca del lavoro....

Intanto pianifico un capodanno da stare male... Andrea verrá qui, Hana ed io stiamo facendo piani diabolici, scongiuri, e riti satanici per fare in modo che fili tutto liscio come l'olio tra lui e Raquel (una delle migliori amiche di Hana) -- chi vivrá, vedrá! XD

Ed ora sono a dieta di succo di pomodoro (ed io aggiungo torrone di cioccolata.... :D) - prima della cena di gala di Natale dell'Icade, la uni di Hana, la uni partner della ESB, quella del mio programma di doppio diploma in Germania.

E non vedo l'ora di ridere fino alle lacrime attorno ad un tavolo di Bang! :D -- (non é un gioco erotico, bensí di societá, di carte!).

Christmas love is coming around! :D